When there is something more between friends

Credit: Rotten Tomatoes

The idea of love spontaneously bursting between two platonic friends is the premise of many recent romantic comedies (see, for example, No Strings Attached, Friends with Benefits, Something Borrowed). Why? Because it is art imitating life, and because it is a concept that widely applies to viewers.

Most young professionals find it hard to meet potential girlfriends and boyfriends. Their days are spent either in the office (80% of the time), at the gym, or occasionally with friends. We live in a world where bars have become a playground of dating games, where girls and guys alike perform cruel tricks to either embarrass the other through rejection or use them. You could resort to online dating, but you may end up with this girl who is looking for lunch money or this uber-meticulous guy who records every minor detail about you.

It becomes natural and understandable why there are so many people who ultimately develop feelings for their friends. You see them regularly, clearly have enough in common to keep interested in each other's company, and feel vastly more comfortable around them. A girl can call her guy friend and get “a guy’s perspective” on a number of issues. After some time, the girl realizes that this is literally the only guy who has ever been fully open and honest with her, and that itself is a refreshment. She feels more comfortable around him than she does any other guy. Every time a guy breaks up with another girl, he calls his best friend. She listens for hours without disparaging judgment or a catty attitude. She helps him muster up the courage to try again, only with a more pinpointed target of an ideal mate. Soon, the guy notices that this friend is everything he ever wanted in a girlfriend.

Sometimes the Feelings are One-Way

So there you are. Either you have feelings for your friend, or your friend confesses his or her love for you. This unexpected development can be wonderful, but it can also be daunting. Maybe you don’t feel the same way, or maybe your feelings are not reciprocated. Sometimes, only one person wants to be more than friends.

Keeping the Friendship

The next step is tricky but vital. You need to take a breath and realize the importance of your friendship thus far and do what it takes to salvage the relationship, even if it doesn’t progress to something more. The most common mistake we see is when people in these situations start to feel awkward and respond by avoiding the person. This only fuels the awkward tension and soon you may find it impossible to continue your friendship the way it was before.

Candor Communication

Instead, the communication is so important. Do not lie or conceal anything or brush it off like it never happened. Be upfront to the other person. If you are the one who wants to be more than friends, tell the person you have feelings but will work to stay friends. If vice versa, gently let him or her down by expressly telling them how much you value their friendship and don’t want to lose them as a friend in your life. Do not just assume that by not addressing the issue and acting like the conversation never happened, you will be able to bounce back. It never works that way.

To our readers: have any of you lost a friend because one person wanted to be more than friends? Share it in the comments.

What the Heart Wants: Postpoining the wedding or leaving the marriage

“I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.”

Some may believe in destiny, but most cannot deny the intrinsic impact that fate and chance have on our lives. We can plan things exactly as we envision, but life throws lemons and takes turns where we least expect.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but some are often wed to the wrong person or wed at the wrong time in his or her life. There are two tragic instances that may (though hopefully won’t) come up in one’s life:
1. Second thoughts before the wedding

Maybe she has become a Bridezilla, contradicting ever cool, laid-back trait that ever made you fall in love with her in the first place. For the first time, you see how she reacts in the face of vanity, stress, and dealing with the shortcomings of others. Finances are suddenly a major consideration, and you two could not possibly be more divergent on viewpoints.

Going into the wedding with nerves is normal, but you know yourself better than anyone else. The unsettling fear and utter panic that nauseates one within an inch of life may be a sign that the wedding is too soon. A wedding is not merely an event, but an eternal legal binding between two people.

Many may fear the gossip and shame of postponing a wedding, but those people are not the ones who will be there for you when you realize you married too young or when your marriage is no longer making you happy. They are not the ones who see the misery at home behind the curtains. Do not worry about those who take your wedding as a foundation for speculation, small talk, and gossip. Sometimes, it may be better to slow down until you are really ready.


2. No longer happy in a marriage

Most of us are hopeless romantics at heart. The semblance of love can easily sweep us off our feet, in the head over heels way. Who can blame her, the girl who has fallen so devastatingly deep in love with the perfect guy? Marriage is the next step. She cannot imagine living the rest of her life without him. Some years later, those feelings have dissipated, and all that is left is a man she cannot see eye-t-eye with on a number of issues. Finances, beliefs, lifestyle, and the list just keeps growing.

The dissolution of marriage is a painful event that should happen to nobody. But most statistics show that approximately half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce when things go awry. Just because the numbers are high does not mean that one should look to divorce. However, what the numbers do reflect is the fact that many marriages are not between the right people, or that some people enter into marriages at the wrong time in their lives.

At one point, age 30 seemed to be the threshold age by which one absolutely must be married. Otherwise, one would carry the Scarlet Letter as someone who was immature or incapable of holding a relationship. However, in this modern bureaucratic age, it is clear that many of us are not fully done growing in our 20s, and perhaps even into our 30s. We grow up. We change. Sometimes what we absolutely wanted turns out to fall low on the priority list, and our spouses cannot accept the people we have become. The reverse is just as true. What do you do when the person before you does not remotely possess any part of the person you fell in love with and married?

Some will undoubtedly hold firm to the idea of marriage as an everlasting vow, and we commend their efforts. But not all of us can be that strong. Sometimes, it is necessary to do away with the noise and just remember that this is your life. You only get one. You deserve to be happy.

If you have a breakup or divorce story, we would love to hear it. Sign up at http://www.idonotanymore.com to be featured on our site when we launch in a couple weeks!

April Fools 2012

"APRIL FOOLS!" This is a phrase that gets increasingly more obnoxious as the day goes on. Here are a few pranks that caught our attention.
1. “We’re engaged!”

Congrats. Your distant relatives, former classmates, and current colleagues all like your status and photo and post congratulatory messages on your wall. Then you tell everyone it’s a joke. Don’t be surprised if you actually get engaged and no one wishes you well. It’s like the boy who cried wolf.

 credit: Glamour magazine

2. “I’m pregnant!”

Not the worst joke in the world, but could result in the following slap in the face:

3. Changing your relationship status to “Single” on Facebook...without your sig. other knowing.

Unless you are dating the most laid back person in the world, chances are you will find yourself in hot water.

4. Tabloids with fake stories.


 Jessica Simpson did not actually give birth to octuplets, and since she is a celebrity, we are willing to bet she will bounce back in shape after a few months. The winner of the Mega Millions lottery on Friday is not some corrupt sleaze in Maryland. But it was quite amusing to see how gullible people were.

5. Messing with food.

Never underestimate the extent of human creativity, especially when it comes to a good prank. Just when we thought we had seen it all, this guy delivers the best food-related prank ever.

 

5 Types of Annoying Facebook Friends

An answer to your Facebook friend woes

 
We all have those facebook friends whom we kind-of-sort-of want to defriend but our proclivity for annoyance won’t let us. For better or for worse, we love to email our actual friends “Did you see Jesse’s status? Talk about TMI” and then have lengthy conversations about the propriety of said information. Here is a look at five of the worst Facebook status offenders. We have included an appropriate reply for each friend in case you would like to send a passive aggressive message through your own status.
 
1.       The Over-sharer
 
As soon as you sign into your account you can find out that this person had salad for lunch, finished an eventful colonoscopy and hopes it will provide answers for their IBS or their boyfriend cheated on them with a stripper named Chastity. While I cannot imagine what brings someone to share such personal details, I can assure you that your Facebook friends do not care for a picture of the mysterious growth you are struggling to identify.
 
 

                
2.       The Wanna-be Model

This particular Facebook friend was told by a hormonal high school beau that she is breathtakingly beautiful. Next came the pretty pictures taken during the winter holidays. Mom caught some good light and WBM received enthusiastic feedback from her friends. This, coupled with the ex-boyfriend’s compliments assured her that she has what it takes to dethrone Adriana Lima. Thus begins a painful series of self-taken myspace-style pictures quickly followed by uncomfortably revealing, those-are-not-clothes pictures that you are pretty sure were taken by a porn director.

3.       The Political Fanatic

You know who you are. You picked up a nugget on a conspiracy site and now you are spreading “the truth!” It doesn’t matter what your views are – democrat, republican, independent, octopus. Repeating the same point in caps followed by 17 exclamation marks will not get anyone who is challenging you to an argument to change his mind. Or to respect you.

 

 4.       The One with the “Perfect Boyfriend”

Signing into Facebook on Valentine’s Day was like browsing 1800Flowers. “My boyfriend/fiance/ husband is so amazing he sent me carnations to my cubicle!” Thank you so much for posting a picture – we had no idea what carnations look like. Other banal statuses include “my incredibly sweet boyfriend just washed the car!” “How sweet is my hubby. He just started the dishwasher.” I think we need to have a lesson differentiating between romantic gestures and household chores.

 
5.       The Passive Aggressive “Mysterious” Poster

When you post a status like “I can’t believe you would do that” I know for a fact that you want us to fall all over ourselves asking about your plight. This particular friend relishes the attention that comes with mysterious posts. He/she also enjoys people fretting and asking “You’re not mad at ME are you?” The more people ask the more mysterious the responses. But once this friend realizes that the inquiries are petering out he/she gives up the pretense and spills the beans. Why not save time and web real estate and just tell us off the bat that you are devastated because your boyfriend got you the wrong order at Starbucks.

 

There is a sixth breed of Facebook friend. The I-complain-about-annoying-statuses-but-do-not-defriend. Most of us have been guilty of this one. Tell us what your Facebook pet peeves are!