What the Heart Wants: Postpoining the wedding or leaving the marriage

“I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.”

Some may believe in destiny, but most cannot deny the intrinsic impact that fate and chance have on our lives. We can plan things exactly as we envision, but life throws lemons and takes turns where we least expect.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but some are often wed to the wrong person or wed at the wrong time in his or her life. There are two tragic instances that may (though hopefully won’t) come up in one’s life:
1. Second thoughts before the wedding

Maybe she has become a Bridezilla, contradicting ever cool, laid-back trait that ever made you fall in love with her in the first place. For the first time, you see how she reacts in the face of vanity, stress, and dealing with the shortcomings of others. Finances are suddenly a major consideration, and you two could not possibly be more divergent on viewpoints.

Going into the wedding with nerves is normal, but you know yourself better than anyone else. The unsettling fear and utter panic that nauseates one within an inch of life may be a sign that the wedding is too soon. A wedding is not merely an event, but an eternal legal binding between two people.

Many may fear the gossip and shame of postponing a wedding, but those people are not the ones who will be there for you when you realize you married too young or when your marriage is no longer making you happy. They are not the ones who see the misery at home behind the curtains. Do not worry about those who take your wedding as a foundation for speculation, small talk, and gossip. Sometimes, it may be better to slow down until you are really ready.


2. No longer happy in a marriage

Most of us are hopeless romantics at heart. The semblance of love can easily sweep us off our feet, in the head over heels way. Who can blame her, the girl who has fallen so devastatingly deep in love with the perfect guy? Marriage is the next step. She cannot imagine living the rest of her life without him. Some years later, those feelings have dissipated, and all that is left is a man she cannot see eye-t-eye with on a number of issues. Finances, beliefs, lifestyle, and the list just keeps growing.

The dissolution of marriage is a painful event that should happen to nobody. But most statistics show that approximately half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce when things go awry. Just because the numbers are high does not mean that one should look to divorce. However, what the numbers do reflect is the fact that many marriages are not between the right people, or that some people enter into marriages at the wrong time in their lives.

At one point, age 30 seemed to be the threshold age by which one absolutely must be married. Otherwise, one would carry the Scarlet Letter as someone who was immature or incapable of holding a relationship. However, in this modern bureaucratic age, it is clear that many of us are not fully done growing in our 20s, and perhaps even into our 30s. We grow up. We change. Sometimes what we absolutely wanted turns out to fall low on the priority list, and our spouses cannot accept the people we have become. The reverse is just as true. What do you do when the person before you does not remotely possess any part of the person you fell in love with and married?

Some will undoubtedly hold firm to the idea of marriage as an everlasting vow, and we commend their efforts. But not all of us can be that strong. Sometimes, it is necessary to do away with the noise and just remember that this is your life. You only get one. You deserve to be happy.

If you have a breakup or divorce story, we would love to hear it. Sign up at http://www.idonotanymore.com to be featured on our site when we launch in a couple weeks!

How many toasters do two people need?

credit: bridalsmakeup.blogspot.com

Save-the-dates inform you - not so subtly - that you are to procure a preselected wedding present from a preselected venue the happy couple deems appropriate. Infallibly, the registry is bursting with knives, colanders, and dishtowels. My first foray into the wedding gift world came late in college aka I had not had to purchase a wedding gift until after I had seen several high budget Hollywood movies. By that point I was under the impression that appropriate wedding gifts consisted of crystal wine glasses or silver candelabras. Imagine my confusion when I opened the first registry and saw the couple had requested napkin rings at $3 a pop. I was horrified. Won't I be morbidly embarrassed coming with $18 worth of napkin rings?! I sought out the most expensive gift on the list - a $60 version of the George Foreman grill. When I showed up with it they were stunned at the extravagance. Their reaction was touching but also puzzling to me - I thought you were supposed to give fancy, extravagant gifts for the wedding? No? Okay...

Later, independent of this wedding I was informed that wedding gifts serve to start off the couple's life together. That is the reasoning behind all the everyday items like dishrags. This made sense to me and I made peace with the notion of buying practical gifts.

Then came the mid-20s avalanche of weddings and I found myself buying tons of glasses and toasters all the while thinking that I am contributing to the couple having a tastier breakfast with some warm bread. Along comes the next rude awakening! Turns out couples in their mid-to late twenties generally have all the stuff they need for living. Not only that but it is quite likely that they have two of everything because they merged their stuff (I know this because thanks to this process I have acquired a toaster). So why, I then ask myself, would anyone register for a third toaster? Are wedding gifts becoming obsolete in a time when people marry later in life? What about giving personal items - for instance a purse the bride wants? Or are you of the traditional school of thought and believe that we should stick to household items because they signify the couple's joint life rather than her vacuum, his iron?