An answer to your Facebook friend woes
We all have those facebook friends whom we kind-of-sort-of want to defriend but our proclivity for annoyance won’t let us. For better or for worse, we love to email our actual friends “Did you see Jesse’s status? Talk about TMI” and then have lengthy conversations about the propriety of said information. Here is a look at five of the worst Facebook status offenders. We have included an appropriate reply for each friend in case you would like to send a passive aggressive message through your own status.
1. The Over-sharer
As soon as you sign into your account you can find out that this person had salad for lunch, finished an eventful colonoscopy and hopes it will provide answers for their IBS or their boyfriend cheated on them with a stripper named Chastity. While I cannot imagine what brings someone to share such personal details, I can assure you that your Facebook friends do not care for a picture of the mysterious growth you are struggling to identify.
2. The Wanna-be Model
This particular Facebook friend was told by a hormonal high school beau that she is breathtakingly beautiful. Next came the pretty pictures taken during the winter holidays. Mom caught some good light and WBM received enthusiastic feedback from her friends. This, coupled with the ex-boyfriend’s compliments assured her that she has what it takes to dethrone Adriana Lima. Thus begins a painful series of self-taken myspace-style pictures quickly followed by uncomfortably revealing, those-are-not-clothes pictures that you are pretty sure were taken by a porn director.
3. The Political Fanatic
You know who you are. You picked up a nugget on a conspiracy site and now you are spreading “the truth!” It doesn’t matter what your views are – democrat, republican, independent, octopus. Repeating the same point in caps followed by 17 exclamation marks will not get anyone who is challenging you to an argument to change his mind. Or to respect you.
4. The One with the “Perfect Boyfriend”
Signing into Facebook on Valentine’s Day was like browsing 1800Flowers. “My boyfriend/fiance/ husband is so amazing he sent me carnations to my cubicle!” Thank you so much for posting a picture – we had no idea what carnations look like. Other banal statuses include “my incredibly sweet boyfriend just washed the car!” “How sweet is my hubby. He just started the dishwasher.” I think we need to have a lesson differentiating between romantic gestures and household chores.
5. The Passive Aggressive “Mysterious” Poster
When you post a status like “I can’t believe you would do that” I know for a fact that you want us to fall all over ourselves asking about your plight. This particular friend relishes the attention that comes with mysterious posts. He/she also enjoys people fretting and asking “You’re not mad at ME are you?” The more people ask the more mysterious the responses. But once this friend realizes that the inquiries are petering out he/she gives up the pretense and spills the beans. Why not save time and web real estate and just tell us off the bat that you are devastated because your boyfriend got you the wrong order at Starbucks.
There is a sixth breed of Facebook friend. The I-complain-about-annoying-statuses-but-do-not-defriend. Most of us have been guilty of this one. Tell us what your Facebook pet peeves are!
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